Tuesday, December 1, 2009

It has been forever since I have posted. There have been so many things that I have wanted to write, but no words would effectively say what I have felt or where I have been. It's not bad, just, as usual, not what I expected. I have grown as a human, a Christian, and as a mother.

My father died in my arms. Nothing will quite change you like that will. He got his last wishes. He didn't want to be alone when he died. He was not. Ashley and Autumn were in the room with me while I held him waiting for the ambulance to arrive. He didn't want to go back to the hospital, which were his explicit words moments before the stroke. He did not go. The ambulance took him to the funeral home instead. He died in a matter of minutes. From the second that I knew something dire was going on till he was standing in God's presence was less than three minutes. The police had just pulled up outside of the house. I remember seeing the blue lights through the window and thinking that they were too late. He's at rest now, at peace, and fishing his heart out.

My girls have grown immensely this year. They have encouraged me to do things that I have expressed interest in. We finished our PATH classes and have one home study to go out of three before being approved as a foster family. I am looking forward to having some little ones around once again. I have taken a few knitting classes, and I feel like I will be able to make the things that I only dreamed of making a few years ago. It's slow, but I am determined!

I set goals out to be met when Dad died. I can honestly say that more than 80% of them I have accomplished since his death. I am not sure what I am supposed to do after this. I am kind of waiting for God to point that out to me. I know He will. I know that He is preparing my heart and my mind for the future. I know that as well as I know my own name.

I am going to court in the morning to clarify the title to the house due to an incident from where I refinanced it three years ago. The day after I am closing on my most recent financing which will drop the interest rate to almost half of what it was. Goals. I am accomplishing them. My next goal, to be prepared to sell this house and move to one that I pick out, one that I desire, and one that I want, will take a while longer. Filling this house with a couple of little ones that maybe I can eventually adopt hopefully will not take as long. As far as the goal of finding the husband I should have looked for twenty years ago, well, I don't know that that exists any more. I honestly gave my heart away to the last one. I did everything that I know I should have done and I failed. At this point I just don't see it ever happening. I wont say never, as God is the author of this journey. If He wants that He will make it happen. I'm just along for the ride. :o)

There are still struggles, they are just different than what I am used to. Ashley got out of a relationship that she wanted to be permanent, but I knew was not healthy. Now, on this very night, she is out on her first official date with someone who has staying potential in her life. He is a Christian, 23, and has a stable job. I can't really say that what he does is a job, it's more like a dream, and I am so happy for Ashley about this road in her life. I pray that if it is God's will this young man will hang around.

Autumn is a senior. God, how on earth can that be possible? My baby, the one that I have spent relentless nights rocking, taking her temperature, trying to keep her well for. just. one. frickin. day. She is going to graduate in May and is on her way to college to become a social worker for DCS and then onward. She has had a personal meeting with the Dean over the department at the college, and had a very positive, very uplifting experience. He told her that he had no doubt that with her grades and her ambition that she would make it and would get scholarships to do even her masters. I am in awe. After struggling for the past two years because of everything that has gone on around here, she has made straight A's since the school year started. She has learned to drive her Cruiser so that I don't have to have a heart attack every time she mentions wanting to drive somewhere (Go AUTUMN!!).

I feel so blessed. I feel like someone should come around the corner and tell me this is all one big mistake. Ooops, this was supposed to be fore someone else, not you. No, this life is not what I dreamed about when I was younger. It's nowhere near what I imagined it would be. There are still things to overcome, still things to conquer, still things that need to be dreamed and desired. This past weekend, when the girls were at the football game, which was their very first major outing as grown up sisters, and I was off at my knitting class, I felt content and happy. I cannot tell you when I felt that way the last time. My whole adult life I have taken care of my children and my parents. I was always doing what others needed to be done. That is a part of me that I cannot change. I will always want to be the one caring for someone else and is a good part of the reason why I am choosing to be a foster mom. This time, this instance, I get to do it because I know it is what God wants for me.

I knew when I was twelve that God put me here to take care of my parents when they were old. I hate to say it that way because now 66 and 77 doesn't seem as old as it once did. I know that was a task that was assigned to me and I did it willingly and hopefully without too much complaining. It was hard, it was difficult, and it wore me out to the core, but if I could go back and do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing. Autumn said it best last night. We were talking about all the quilts, the crochet work, the numerous other crafts that my mom created and gave away. I believe she always thought that there would be time to make me a stash of those items. We are not guaranteed tomorrow and that is something none of us considered. I have some, but not as much as others, and I am 100% okay with that. I had my mom, night and day, day in and day out. They did not. I know family history, stories, and tidbits of what her life and my grandparents lives were like that no one else took time to hear. That is my treasure. I know where my mother is, and as hard as it was to lose her so young, I know that when she opened her eyes she opened them in Heaven.

Again, I am not the same. I don't have the same desires. There is going to be something new on the horizon and I am getting ready for it.