My dream last night.
I was standing by the interstate with God. I looked up at him and said, "I love you Father, more than anything."
He looked down at me, smiled, and replied, "Come with me," and took my hand.
I turned my head to look back to reach for Ashley and Autumn, but God put out his hand to prevent me from looking back. He kept walking with me out into the traffic on the interstate while cars and trucks were speeding by us like we were not there.
"Do not look back," He commanded.
"But my girls," I replied, reaching my arm back behind me trying to grasp hold of them.
He gently shook his head no and replied, "No, they are my girls."
Feb 21, 2011
Mar 28, 2010
March 28, 2010
I wrote this a few years ago for someone special who was depressed....
Snow is cascading down from billowy white clouds bursting with precipitation. The wind is low, the sky is gray, and the general feeling in the air is bitter. Your heart is chilled, your mind is frozen; you are cold down to your very soul. The coveted rainbow is only a distant memory in your mind and no longer a comfort to your soul. The peace you once felt, the joy you once enjoyed, the warmth of the sunshine are now replaced by utter emptiness and despair. Desire for what was never to be fills your mind and concentrating on anything else is impossible.
The pounding you once heard is now distant and slower. So slow that at times you forget that you have ever heard it before. The longing for things missed is eating at you leaving you unable to pull yourself forward to your goal. To even remember what that goal was takes immense effort and concentration, and in reality it no longer seems like a viable option so deep is the hurt. The pull towards utter bleakness is strong, but so far it is not as strong as you. It would have taken so little effort to have missed this path and not trod down this narrow road, but we are not always in command and our vision is not always accurate. The desires of our heart too often outweigh the common sense that we hold so dear. Then, there are those who helped us to come down this path not understanding that there are more joyous ones to take; roads with much, much less pain and definitely more joy.
There is no time frame, no clock, and no alarm to tell you that it is time to leave. You determine the length of your stay here. You can remain in this frozen ugly pit or you can choose to climb out. It takes effort, desire, and unwillingness to settle for something less than what you deserve to leave this bitter hurt behind. The promises of God are abundantly waiting on you. This is not where you need to dwell. You have a place. You have a purpose. you have a future. To what extent you partake of this is up to you.
With great effort you feel the chains that were around your heart and your limbs begin to fall. With each clank of metal your spirit rises. The clouds are not as gloomy. The hurt is not quite so bad. A memories of joyful times begin to seep back in. A ray of light begins to crack through.
There is an end to this. There is joy around the corner and hope in the future. You have to believe. You have to want. You have to take that step forward and leave the past what it is...the past. It will always be a part of who you are and who you will be, but if you trust it will be a small part and not the most prominent one in your life. The joy is waiting. Take the step.
Snow is cascading down from billowy white clouds bursting with precipitation. The wind is low, the sky is gray, and the general feeling in the air is bitter. Your heart is chilled, your mind is frozen; you are cold down to your very soul. The coveted rainbow is only a distant memory in your mind and no longer a comfort to your soul. The peace you once felt, the joy you once enjoyed, the warmth of the sunshine are now replaced by utter emptiness and despair. Desire for what was never to be fills your mind and concentrating on anything else is impossible.
The pounding you once heard is now distant and slower. So slow that at times you forget that you have ever heard it before. The longing for things missed is eating at you leaving you unable to pull yourself forward to your goal. To even remember what that goal was takes immense effort and concentration, and in reality it no longer seems like a viable option so deep is the hurt. The pull towards utter bleakness is strong, but so far it is not as strong as you. It would have taken so little effort to have missed this path and not trod down this narrow road, but we are not always in command and our vision is not always accurate. The desires of our heart too often outweigh the common sense that we hold so dear. Then, there are those who helped us to come down this path not understanding that there are more joyous ones to take; roads with much, much less pain and definitely more joy.
There is no time frame, no clock, and no alarm to tell you that it is time to leave. You determine the length of your stay here. You can remain in this frozen ugly pit or you can choose to climb out. It takes effort, desire, and unwillingness to settle for something less than what you deserve to leave this bitter hurt behind. The promises of God are abundantly waiting on you. This is not where you need to dwell. You have a place. You have a purpose. you have a future. To what extent you partake of this is up to you.
With great effort you feel the chains that were around your heart and your limbs begin to fall. With each clank of metal your spirit rises. The clouds are not as gloomy. The hurt is not quite so bad. A memories of joyful times begin to seep back in. A ray of light begins to crack through.
There is an end to this. There is joy around the corner and hope in the future. You have to believe. You have to want. You have to take that step forward and leave the past what it is...the past. It will always be a part of who you are and who you will be, but if you trust it will be a small part and not the most prominent one in your life. The joy is waiting. Take the step.
Mar 25, 2010
Mar 24, 2010
March 24, 2010
I had forgotten the rush of emotions when messaging over the Internet with someone of the opposite sex. The overall heady-sense of "wow, someone thinks I am interesting enough to talk to." I believe that I do well controlling the emotions of desire.
For the past six years the desire for a mate has been the strongest it has ever been in my entire life. After my three year...step away from common sense, when I finally got to the point I could breathe without pain and work through a day without crying, I shoved the desire as far away as possible. I feel that I have done a good job with this. I don't utter his name. My kids are not allowed to speak his name. I can have random conversations about him for a couple of minutes now, all without feeling like I will fall apart.
I spoke to someone randomly the other day via face.book. It was an intriguing conversation about very random things. It triggered the emotions from conversations I had with the man I will not name. They were both born in another country; the same country. They both have some of the same issues. It has unnerved me to my core. I want contact...but from who? From where? To what degree and why? I am back to the original feeling I had before my life and heart were ripped to shreds. I want.
I want. Those two little words rule my existence at the moment. Even if the man who shall not be named tried to come back into my life I would not let him. There is no way that I could ever trust him again, nor do I believe he ever loved me in any way. Oh, but did I love him. Just writing that sentence causes my eyes to tear and my soul to weep.
I heard my grandmother tell my mom a story once, when I wasn't quite a teenager. All her life, she said, she had told people that the first man she had been engaged to had died. It was not the truth, but in her youth the truth hurt too much. In reality he had married someone else. I wondered from that point on every time I thought about that conversation, how it must have made my grandmother feel.
I no longer have to wonder. I know the excruciating pain. I know why she wouldn't state his name. At three years post breakup I can still have my heart stop in my chest if I see someone who resembles him. If someone calls my phone and it is the same area code that he used to call me from I have to take a deep breathe before I answer the phone. My head knows. He will never call again unless I hunt him down and ask him to. I did two years ago. It was excruciating. I will never do it again. Every time I see a vehicle the same color and make as his my heart cries. I will never get over the hurt he caused me. It is not entirely his fault. I chose to walk down that path. I accept my part in this.
It took me months to get used to the fact that no one calls my phone any more. I am okay with that now. There is peace in not waiting for the phone to ring. Sitting at the computer became horrible. There were no instant messages to answer, no chat rooms with familiar gamers to talk to. My world became a black hole that I was sucked into and there was no light. I stumbled across blogs of kids fighting horrific diseases and focused my mind on those kids. I prayed for them, I followed them, and that became the new me. There were several of those children that I fell in love with. They fought their battles courageously. Most of them have given up their suffering to becoming completely healed in Heaven. Now that most of these children are gone, my father has been gone for over a year, and Autumn is about to graduate from high school, I find myself somewhere I have not been before. The battle with my ex is almost over. In 68 days he will forever be out of our lives. Tomorrow, we begin that process. The door closing on another chapter. What is next? Do I continue to believe in the unreality that there is someone out there for me? I think not. I know that I am not what men desire. Then that leaves little in the way of what can be. Do I believe that there is a purpose? A reason? There has to be or God would have taken my life already. I know my life is not what God had meant for it to be. I contaminated it. I made it what I thought it was supposed to be. I was so horribly wrong.
In the end, my life will be what God wants it to be after the decisions that I have made. I know that that does not include a mate. It does include my children and their lives. We are already moving on in that regard. Ashley is dating a wonderful guy that feels like he is already a part of our little family. Autumn is excited about moving on to college, as she should be. Still. There remains only one question.
Where do I go from here?
For the past six years the desire for a mate has been the strongest it has ever been in my entire life. After my three year...step away from common sense, when I finally got to the point I could breathe without pain and work through a day without crying, I shoved the desire as far away as possible. I feel that I have done a good job with this. I don't utter his name. My kids are not allowed to speak his name. I can have random conversations about him for a couple of minutes now, all without feeling like I will fall apart.
I spoke to someone randomly the other day via face.book. It was an intriguing conversation about very random things. It triggered the emotions from conversations I had with the man I will not name. They were both born in another country; the same country. They both have some of the same issues. It has unnerved me to my core. I want contact...but from who? From where? To what degree and why? I am back to the original feeling I had before my life and heart were ripped to shreds. I want.
I want. Those two little words rule my existence at the moment. Even if the man who shall not be named tried to come back into my life I would not let him. There is no way that I could ever trust him again, nor do I believe he ever loved me in any way. Oh, but did I love him. Just writing that sentence causes my eyes to tear and my soul to weep.
I heard my grandmother tell my mom a story once, when I wasn't quite a teenager. All her life, she said, she had told people that the first man she had been engaged to had died. It was not the truth, but in her youth the truth hurt too much. In reality he had married someone else. I wondered from that point on every time I thought about that conversation, how it must have made my grandmother feel.
I no longer have to wonder. I know the excruciating pain. I know why she wouldn't state his name. At three years post breakup I can still have my heart stop in my chest if I see someone who resembles him. If someone calls my phone and it is the same area code that he used to call me from I have to take a deep breathe before I answer the phone. My head knows. He will never call again unless I hunt him down and ask him to. I did two years ago. It was excruciating. I will never do it again. Every time I see a vehicle the same color and make as his my heart cries. I will never get over the hurt he caused me. It is not entirely his fault. I chose to walk down that path. I accept my part in this.
It took me months to get used to the fact that no one calls my phone any more. I am okay with that now. There is peace in not waiting for the phone to ring. Sitting at the computer became horrible. There were no instant messages to answer, no chat rooms with familiar gamers to talk to. My world became a black hole that I was sucked into and there was no light. I stumbled across blogs of kids fighting horrific diseases and focused my mind on those kids. I prayed for them, I followed them, and that became the new me. There were several of those children that I fell in love with. They fought their battles courageously. Most of them have given up their suffering to becoming completely healed in Heaven. Now that most of these children are gone, my father has been gone for over a year, and Autumn is about to graduate from high school, I find myself somewhere I have not been before. The battle with my ex is almost over. In 68 days he will forever be out of our lives. Tomorrow, we begin that process. The door closing on another chapter. What is next? Do I continue to believe in the unreality that there is someone out there for me? I think not. I know that I am not what men desire. Then that leaves little in the way of what can be. Do I believe that there is a purpose? A reason? There has to be or God would have taken my life already. I know my life is not what God had meant for it to be. I contaminated it. I made it what I thought it was supposed to be. I was so horribly wrong.
In the end, my life will be what God wants it to be after the decisions that I have made. I know that that does not include a mate. It does include my children and their lives. We are already moving on in that regard. Ashley is dating a wonderful guy that feels like he is already a part of our little family. Autumn is excited about moving on to college, as she should be. Still. There remains only one question.
Where do I go from here?
Dec 1, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
It has been forever since I have posted. There have been so many things that I have wanted to write, but no words would effectively say what I have felt or where I have been. It's not bad, just, as usual, not what I expected. I have grown as a human, a Christian, and as a mother.
My father died in my arms. Nothing will quite change you like that will. He got his last wishes. He didn't want to be alone when he died. He was not. Ashley and Autumn were in the room with me while I held him waiting for the ambulance to arrive. He didn't want to go back to the hospital, which were his explicit words moments before the stroke. He did not go. The ambulance took him to the funeral home instead. He died in a matter of minutes. From the second that I knew something dire was going on till he was standing in God's presence was less than three minutes. The police had just pulled up outside of the house. I remember seeing the blue lights through the window and thinking that they were too late. He's at rest now, at peace, and fishing his heart out.
My girls have grown immensely this year. They have encouraged me to do things that I have expressed interest in. We finished our PATH classes and have one home study to go out of three before being approved as a foster family. I am looking forward to having some little ones around once again. I have taken a few knitting classes, and I feel like I will be able to make the things that I only dreamed of making a few years ago. It's slow, but I am determined!
I set goals out to be met when Dad died. I can honestly say that more than 80% of them I have accomplished since his death. I am not sure what I am supposed to do after this. I am kind of waiting for God to point that out to me. I know He will. I know that He is preparing my heart and my mind for the future. I know that as well as I know my own name.
I am going to court in the morning to clarify the title to the house due to an incident from where I refinanced it three years ago. The day after I am closing on my most recent financing which will drop the interest rate to almost half of what it was. Goals. I am accomplishing them. My next goal, to be prepared to sell this house and move to one that I pick out, one that I desire, and one that I want, will take a while longer. Filling this house with a couple of little ones that maybe I can eventually adopt hopefully will not take as long. As far as the goal of finding the husband I should have looked for twenty years ago, well, I don't know that that exists any more. I honestly gave my heart away to the last one. I did everything that I know I should have done and I failed. At this point I just don't see it ever happening. I wont say never, as God is the author of this journey. If He wants that He will make it happen. I'm just along for the ride. :o)
There are still struggles, they are just different than what I am used to. Ashley got out of a relationship that she wanted to be permanent, but I knew was not healthy. Now, on this very night, she is out on her first official date with someone who has staying potential in her life. He is a Christian, 23, and has a stable job. I can't really say that what he does is a job, it's more like a dream, and I am so happy for Ashley about this road in her life. I pray that if it is God's will this young man will hang around.
Autumn is a senior. God, how on earth can that be possible? My baby, the one that I have spent relentless nights rocking, taking her temperature, trying to keep her well for. just. one. frickin. day. She is going to graduate in May and is on her way to college to become a social worker for DCS and then onward. She has had a personal meeting with the Dean over the department at the college, and had a very positive, very uplifting experience. He told her that he had no doubt that with her grades and her ambition that she would make it and would get scholarships to do even her masters. I am in awe. After struggling for the past two years because of everything that has gone on around here, she has made straight A's since the school year started. She has learned to drive her Cruiser so that I don't have to have a heart attack every time she mentions wanting to drive somewhere (Go AUTUMN!!).
I feel so blessed. I feel like someone should come around the corner and tell me this is all one big mistake. Ooops, this was supposed to be fore someone else, not you. No, this life is not what I dreamed about when I was younger. It's nowhere near what I imagined it would be. There are still things to overcome, still things to conquer, still things that need to be dreamed and desired. This past weekend, when the girls were at the football game, which was their very first major outing as grown up sisters, and I was off at my knitting class, I felt content and happy. I cannot tell you when I felt that way the last time. My whole adult life I have taken care of my children and my parents. I was always doing what others needed to be done. That is a part of me that I cannot change. I will always want to be the one caring for someone else and is a good part of the reason why I am choosing to be a foster mom. This time, this instance, I get to do it because I know it is what God wants for me.
I knew when I was twelve that God put me here to take care of my parents when they were old. I hate to say it that way because now 66 and 77 doesn't seem as old as it once did. I know that was a task that was assigned to me and I did it willingly and hopefully without too much complaining. It was hard, it was difficult, and it wore me out to the core, but if I could go back and do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing. Autumn said it best last night. We were talking about all the quilts, the crochet work, the numerous other crafts that my mom created and gave away. I believe she always thought that there would be time to make me a stash of those items. We are not guaranteed tomorrow and that is something none of us considered. I have some, but not as much as others, and I am 100% okay with that. I had my mom, night and day, day in and day out. They did not. I know family history, stories, and tidbits of what her life and my grandparents lives were like that no one else took time to hear. That is my treasure. I know where my mother is, and as hard as it was to lose her so young, I know that when she opened her eyes she opened them in Heaven.
Again, I am not the same. I don't have the same desires. There is going to be something new on the horizon and I am getting ready for it.
My father died in my arms. Nothing will quite change you like that will. He got his last wishes. He didn't want to be alone when he died. He was not. Ashley and Autumn were in the room with me while I held him waiting for the ambulance to arrive. He didn't want to go back to the hospital, which were his explicit words moments before the stroke. He did not go. The ambulance took him to the funeral home instead. He died in a matter of minutes. From the second that I knew something dire was going on till he was standing in God's presence was less than three minutes. The police had just pulled up outside of the house. I remember seeing the blue lights through the window and thinking that they were too late. He's at rest now, at peace, and fishing his heart out.
My girls have grown immensely this year. They have encouraged me to do things that I have expressed interest in. We finished our PATH classes and have one home study to go out of three before being approved as a foster family. I am looking forward to having some little ones around once again. I have taken a few knitting classes, and I feel like I will be able to make the things that I only dreamed of making a few years ago. It's slow, but I am determined!
I set goals out to be met when Dad died. I can honestly say that more than 80% of them I have accomplished since his death. I am not sure what I am supposed to do after this. I am kind of waiting for God to point that out to me. I know He will. I know that He is preparing my heart and my mind for the future. I know that as well as I know my own name.
I am going to court in the morning to clarify the title to the house due to an incident from where I refinanced it three years ago. The day after I am closing on my most recent financing which will drop the interest rate to almost half of what it was. Goals. I am accomplishing them. My next goal, to be prepared to sell this house and move to one that I pick out, one that I desire, and one that I want, will take a while longer. Filling this house with a couple of little ones that maybe I can eventually adopt hopefully will not take as long. As far as the goal of finding the husband I should have looked for twenty years ago, well, I don't know that that exists any more. I honestly gave my heart away to the last one. I did everything that I know I should have done and I failed. At this point I just don't see it ever happening. I wont say never, as God is the author of this journey. If He wants that He will make it happen. I'm just along for the ride. :o)
There are still struggles, they are just different than what I am used to. Ashley got out of a relationship that she wanted to be permanent, but I knew was not healthy. Now, on this very night, she is out on her first official date with someone who has staying potential in her life. He is a Christian, 23, and has a stable job. I can't really say that what he does is a job, it's more like a dream, and I am so happy for Ashley about this road in her life. I pray that if it is God's will this young man will hang around.
Autumn is a senior. God, how on earth can that be possible? My baby, the one that I have spent relentless nights rocking, taking her temperature, trying to keep her well for. just. one. frickin. day. She is going to graduate in May and is on her way to college to become a social worker for DCS and then onward. She has had a personal meeting with the Dean over the department at the college, and had a very positive, very uplifting experience. He told her that he had no doubt that with her grades and her ambition that she would make it and would get scholarships to do even her masters. I am in awe. After struggling for the past two years because of everything that has gone on around here, she has made straight A's since the school year started. She has learned to drive her Cruiser so that I don't have to have a heart attack every time she mentions wanting to drive somewhere (Go AUTUMN!!).
I feel so blessed. I feel like someone should come around the corner and tell me this is all one big mistake. Ooops, this was supposed to be fore someone else, not you. No, this life is not what I dreamed about when I was younger. It's nowhere near what I imagined it would be. There are still things to overcome, still things to conquer, still things that need to be dreamed and desired. This past weekend, when the girls were at the football game, which was their very first major outing as grown up sisters, and I was off at my knitting class, I felt content and happy. I cannot tell you when I felt that way the last time. My whole adult life I have taken care of my children and my parents. I was always doing what others needed to be done. That is a part of me that I cannot change. I will always want to be the one caring for someone else and is a good part of the reason why I am choosing to be a foster mom. This time, this instance, I get to do it because I know it is what God wants for me.
I knew when I was twelve that God put me here to take care of my parents when they were old. I hate to say it that way because now 66 and 77 doesn't seem as old as it once did. I know that was a task that was assigned to me and I did it willingly and hopefully without too much complaining. It was hard, it was difficult, and it wore me out to the core, but if I could go back and do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing. Autumn said it best last night. We were talking about all the quilts, the crochet work, the numerous other crafts that my mom created and gave away. I believe she always thought that there would be time to make me a stash of those items. We are not guaranteed tomorrow and that is something none of us considered. I have some, but not as much as others, and I am 100% okay with that. I had my mom, night and day, day in and day out. They did not. I know family history, stories, and tidbits of what her life and my grandparents lives were like that no one else took time to hear. That is my treasure. I know where my mother is, and as hard as it was to lose her so young, I know that when she opened her eyes she opened them in Heaven.
Again, I am not the same. I don't have the same desires. There is going to be something new on the horizon and I am getting ready for it.
Oct 22, 2008
Wednesday October 22, 2008
Well, it appears we have dodge the bullet yet again. Dad was admitted to the hospital on Monday due to a rapid atrial flutter rhythm. After an all day doctor appointment it was decided that the only option was to do a TEE with an electrical conversion. After many hours of waiting, he was converted on Tuesday after the third try. Allison, Dr. Mangione's nurse, said it was a difficult procedure. He is back home now, but he is sleeping ALL the time. Oh well, at least he has not had a stroke.
Work is tiring. I have hired someone else for the Accounts Receivable position. We had a meeting with the managers today that both I and Michael attended. Hopefully it will help.
It's late. Maybe I need to follow my fellow bloggers and start doing "Wordless Wednesdays."
Night peeps.
Work is tiring. I have hired someone else for the Accounts Receivable position. We had a meeting with the managers today that both I and Michael attended. Hopefully it will help.
It's late. Maybe I need to follow my fellow bloggers and start doing "Wordless Wednesdays."
Night peeps.
Oct 18, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
It seems like forever since I have been on here. There are times that I find so many things going on that when I have time to write here, I am so exhausted that I cannot. Doesn't bode well for having anyone read this, but that's okay. That is not why I write here to begin with.
Where do I start? There is no clear-cut beginnning or ending, at least not yet. I thought I would have to go and get Ashley from college yesterday as she is very sick. Thank goodness her friends have rallied around her and with a strong antibiotic she has made the u-turn to recovery. She seems to really be enjoying her first year in college and is relishing all her new friends. I can really see the adult that is emerging in her. To be honest, I had really dreaded this stage in both of my children's lives. Now, I find I am really looking forward to it. I still get aggravated at the teenager demeanor that sometimes comes through, but all in all I see Ashley becoming the person she was meant to be. She has stood up for her sister, something she has not done in a long time, she has stood up to her father in the right way with the right attitude about it. I have no doubt that she loves him, but she is fluttering those wings. I can see a launch of the feathers soon!!
Autumn has definitely been a different child without Ashley being around. It only took a few seconds of Ashley being home for fall break for them both to be back to their aggravating ways, but I believe that as they both continue down this path that it will happen less and less. They are two totally different people and with about as different personalities and likes as you can imagine, but at heart they are sisters sharing a special bond. I often wonder how different life would have been for me if I had had a sister to share things with. It was not meant to be.
Dad is not feeling well today. He has now begun to say "if I am here then..." I often wonder what goes through his mind as he is nearing the end of his life. Does he understand that the end is near? Does he have regrets? I don't know. He has refused oxygen here at home. So far I see that his 3 units of blood have done him well and at the moment it does not appear that he needs more. He is back in atrial fibrillation today, which is scaring the beejeebers out of Autumn. I wish I could put her fears to rest, but she knows the outcome of this as well as I do. The only questions remaining is how ugly will the end be and when will it happen. I am rather perturbed that I called the on-call service today and had the cardiologist paged, but never received a call back. I guess I will add that to my list of things to do next week.
Funny note of the day, of which won't make any sense to anyone but me unfortunately. The owner of the company I work for is 82 years old. When he asked me today how it went when I had to terminate someone on Thursday my reply was, "she said I was mean." He asked me to repeat what I said. "She said I was MEAN!" His reply? He laughed for about 5 minutes and walked off. Guess I know what he thinks!
I am really thankful for my job. I do work with a good group of people. It's not always easy to remember that when you have to work through the bumps in the road. There are just so many people that have it way worse than I do. It often makes me wonder why I am so blessed. Why did God choose me to bless? I hope to one day be able to ask Him face to face.
Where do I start? There is no clear-cut beginnning or ending, at least not yet. I thought I would have to go and get Ashley from college yesterday as she is very sick. Thank goodness her friends have rallied around her and with a strong antibiotic she has made the u-turn to recovery. She seems to really be enjoying her first year in college and is relishing all her new friends. I can really see the adult that is emerging in her. To be honest, I had really dreaded this stage in both of my children's lives. Now, I find I am really looking forward to it. I still get aggravated at the teenager demeanor that sometimes comes through, but all in all I see Ashley becoming the person she was meant to be. She has stood up for her sister, something she has not done in a long time, she has stood up to her father in the right way with the right attitude about it. I have no doubt that she loves him, but she is fluttering those wings. I can see a launch of the feathers soon!!
Autumn has definitely been a different child without Ashley being around. It only took a few seconds of Ashley being home for fall break for them both to be back to their aggravating ways, but I believe that as they both continue down this path that it will happen less and less. They are two totally different people and with about as different personalities and likes as you can imagine, but at heart they are sisters sharing a special bond. I often wonder how different life would have been for me if I had had a sister to share things with. It was not meant to be.
Dad is not feeling well today. He has now begun to say "if I am here then..." I often wonder what goes through his mind as he is nearing the end of his life. Does he understand that the end is near? Does he have regrets? I don't know. He has refused oxygen here at home. So far I see that his 3 units of blood have done him well and at the moment it does not appear that he needs more. He is back in atrial fibrillation today, which is scaring the beejeebers out of Autumn. I wish I could put her fears to rest, but she knows the outcome of this as well as I do. The only questions remaining is how ugly will the end be and when will it happen. I am rather perturbed that I called the on-call service today and had the cardiologist paged, but never received a call back. I guess I will add that to my list of things to do next week.
Funny note of the day, of which won't make any sense to anyone but me unfortunately. The owner of the company I work for is 82 years old. When he asked me today how it went when I had to terminate someone on Thursday my reply was, "she said I was mean." He asked me to repeat what I said. "She said I was MEAN!" His reply? He laughed for about 5 minutes and walked off. Guess I know what he thinks!
I am really thankful for my job. I do work with a good group of people. It's not always easy to remember that when you have to work through the bumps in the road. There are just so many people that have it way worse than I do. It often makes me wonder why I am so blessed. Why did God choose me to bless? I hope to one day be able to ask Him face to face.
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