June 26, 2008

I had a really bad day yesterday. It was my birthday and I had talked to Bill twice the day before. Talking to him brought back more emotions than I had anticipated and before I hung up the phone I was crying once again. I left a message on his blog not to call me again. He has obviously made his choices since he has a new girlfriend, promised her the same things that he promised me, and promised things to her children that he will never fulfill. I am glad that I warned her that he wouldn't. I don't want anyone else's children hurt by him like mine have. I want nothing further to do with him. Since I made that decision, I have felt better. I just hate that even though I didn't talk to him on my birthday that he was able to ruin it anyway. I have made my peace with the fact that I will never marry and that I will never have another child. It hurts that he took that away from me, but there has to be something else out there to look forward to.

I am tired today. I am tired most days, so that's nothing unusual in and of itself. Autumn made me a chocolate pound cake for a belated birthday cake. I just couldn't do it yesterday. I really need a break from caring for dad, but I honestly do not believe I will get one until he is gone. He is hard to take care of and it's hard to know how to meet his needs. He complains about everything, and insists on things being done his way whether the rest of us like it or not. Usually I would not tolerate such behaviour out of any many, but my father gets to do it and I just go on.

Ashley broke up with Sean last night. Poor girl cried most of the night. She even came and got in bed with me, which is extremely unusual. She needed some mom time I guess. She has always been such a daddy's girl that it's difficult for me at times. It was kind of nice to have her laying there wanting Mom. Anyway, it appears that she will survive. I can't say that I am sad to see Sean go. He has been a thorn in my side since day one. I can't wait for her to date someone that I find is a good match for her. I hope that she waits for that match. God knows I don't want someone like Bill Weber coming along and trying to date my child.

I find that when I need to make changes in my outlook on things and what I want to happen in my life that I need to make lists. I am way too tired to do this tonight, but I have been thinking about it all day. I will probably post a couple of lists on here in the next few days. It will be interesting to see if it helps my mood.

Good night Internet.